FF7MA Episode 1/Transcript
The following is the transcript for episode 1 of Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged. Transcript (An animation of the Final Fantasy VII title screen appears. The cursor selects the option "HD Remake", only for it to be revealed as an 800GB download that will take 80 hours to complete. The player cancels and selects "NEW GAME" instead and erases the first profile named "DickButt" to make room for the new save game. The Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged intro plays.) (The camera pans down to a train station near one of Midgar's many Mako Reactors. A train pulls up.) GUARD: Isn't there usually a conductor or something? BIGGS (off-screen): AVALANCHE! (Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie exit the train and beat up the guards) BIGGS: CQC! JESSIE: AVALANCHE! CQC! WEDGE: Jessie, did the dentist give you a root canal or a punch in the face? (Barret exits the train and calls up to Cloud on top of the locomotive) BARRET: Alright, Blondie. It's showtime. (Cloud cartwheels off of the top of the train) CLOUD: Showtime. Then, I guess I'd better perform. BARRET: (camera zooms in on his face as he growls in displeasure at Cloud's joke) Mother of god. (zooms back out) Okay, the plan is you're going to hide the bodies, and- CLOUD: (interrupting) I'm sorry, could you repeat that last part? BARRET: Not get into any trouble, that's right. Now, biggity-bounce to it, baby. (begins to head towards the reactor) Tifa, your friend is killing me... CLOUD: (runs after Barret) Like you guys killed these guards? SHINRA SOLDIER: (entering the scene with a second soldier) Out of the way, sir, that man killed two guards! CLOUD: Oh, come on! (Cloud (with his name displayed as Ex-SOLDIER) and the soldiers enter a battle scene) CLOUD: N-now, I know this looks bad- (One of the Shinra soldiers shoots Cloud, dealing 4 damage) CLOUD: A little bit trigger-happy, but okay, anyways, as I was saying- (Cloud is shot again, taking 4 more damage) CLOUD: Could you not shoot me? (One of the Shinra soldiers instead shoulder charges Cloud, dealing 7 damage) CLOUD: You made me do this! (activates his Attack) YAHHHH! (attacks the guards with his Buster Sword) (The scene cuts to Cloud walking towards the rest of Avalanche trying to open a gateway while leaving bloody footprints behind) CLOUD: (mumbling) Self-defense... BIGGS: Hey, uh... new guy. You take care of the bodies? CLOUD: Yup. All four of them. JESSIE: Four of them?! CLOUD: Yeah, that's right. You uh... you guys. BIGGS: Wait, you don't know our names? CLOUD: (scoffs) Y-you never asked my name. JESSIE: Well, what is your name? CLOUD: It's... (Transition to name select screen for Cloud, where his default name is "Blonde Zack". The player deletes this name and enters "Croudo-kun" before deleting it again to enter "Cloud", which the player confirms.) CLOUD: ...Cloud. BARRET: (entering the scene) Cloud, huh? Is that because you rain on everyone's parade? CLOUD: No, those are Squalls and no one likes those. JESSIE: OH MY GOD! I GOT IT! (The gateway opens and everyone except Cloud starts to enter) BIGGS: Jessie, was the alley dentist really worth what you saved? BARRET: (stops in front of the gate) Hey, Blondie. CLOUD: What? BARRET: Don't f*** up. (pause) Because if you do f*** up, you're gonna have to answer to me. (Transition to name select screen for Barret with the default name, "Mr. T". The player backspaces the name, enters "Barret", and confirms this name.) BARRET: And being Tifa's bestie will not save you from the wrath of Barret. Now, hurry up. We've gotta take care of this place. CLOUD: Why? (Camera pans to show the Mako Reactor, which features images of flowers and a label of "ECO FRIENDLY PEACE FACTORY", as brief cheerful music plays) (naively) What's wrong with this place? (Scene transitions to Cloud walking up to the rest of Avalanche) CLOUD: Okay, can you guys fill me in on what's going on? BARRET: Let me ask you, Blondie. Do you know what this factory does? CLOUD: Provides zero-emission, eco-green energy. BARRET: Oh, really? Then, what is that green smoke coming out of the chimney stack? CLOUD: That's obviously the zero-emission... (begins to hesitate) ...um, uh... Aw shit. BARRET: That's right, Blondie! We are going to make Shinra pay for their transgressions against the common people... Polluting the lower city to make a quick buck! By God Almighty, there will be an AVALANCHE of JUSTICE! CLOUD: And, uh... how exactly are we gonna- BARRET: (interrupting) We're gonna blow this motherf***er up. (silence) CLOUD: (pretending to be excited) Oh... Yay. BARRET: Tifa did fill you in on this, right? CLOUD: All she said was, (mocking Tifa) "Hey Cloud, can you do me a solid? It'll be super easy!" BIGGS: To be fair, all we have to do is hack into the doors and plant a bomb in the reactor core... CLOUD: (false excitement) Yeah! That does sound super easy! BARRET: And guess who's planting the bomb? CLOUD: (sighs) Me. BARRET: And guess who's coming with you? CLOUD: (trying not to cringe) Ohh... You... BARRET: That's right. I'm going to be like your spirit animal giving you advice. Ask me what you should do. CLOUD: (sarcastically) Spirit animal, what should I do? BARRET: Don't f*** up. (enters Cloud's body, making a sloshing sound, and disappears) CLOUD: Ahh, gross! ("One Minute Later..." time card, Cloud is in the elevator with Jessie, who is making loud gargling sounds) 'CLOUD: '''Ahh, gross! ''(Transition to inside the Mako Reactor, Cloud is about to jump across a gap towards where Jessie is) 'CLOUD: '''Woahahohoho... (Cloud jumps over the gap) Y-you sure you need to blow this place up? Why not let it crumble like it seems it will any second now. Also, how do we get down? '''JESSIE: '(jumps down onto the ladder and climbs down) Like this! 'CLOUD: '''O-or we could find another way! '''JESSIE: '''NO OTHER WAYS! '''CLOUD: '''Oh goddammit! (jumps down onto the ladder with a yelp and starts speaking very fast as he climbs down) Afraid of heights, afraid of heights... (tries to act serious again) Nailed it! '''JESSIE: '''Alright, I'll be on guard while you plant the bomb. '''CLOUD: '''Kay, I don't know you well, but those guys are right. You really need to get that checked out. (heads down lower into the reactor) '''JESSIE: '''GET WHAT CHECKED OUT?! ''(Cut to the reactor core, where Cloud is about to set the bomb) 'BARRET: '(from inside of Cloud) Ok! Set the timer, and plant the bomb! (exits Cloud with a sloashing sound) Then, we bounce like titties, baby. 'CLOUD: '''Speakin' of titties, when I get back, Tifa and I are going to have a serious conversati- (starts spasming out) '''ZACK: '(from within Cloud's subconcious) Hey, uhhh, hey Cloud? Don't do that whole "planting the bomb" thing... That's a bad. 'CLOUD: '(within his subconcious, still spasming out) WWHY... WHO... ARE... YOU?! 'ZACK: '''Well, I could tell you.... (pause) Bye! ''(Cloud returns to reality) 'CLOUD: '''Bleahhugh! '''BARRET: '''Whaddya mean, "bleahhugh"? '''CLOUD: '''I heard a voice in my head just now... '''BARRET: '''What'd it say? '''CLOUD: '''It told me to not blow this place up! '''BARRET: '''Hmmm... You're makin' it up and you lyin', or you crazy. ''(Cloud tries to retort only to be interrupted) 'BARRET: '''Really crazy! Like, "I don't trust you with the bomb" crazy! '''CLOUD: '''W-well then! It's a good thing that I'm not crazy! (laughs) '''BARRET: '''Good! Now, just do as I told ya and don't f*** up! ''(Suddenly a siren blares) 'INTERCOM: '''Shinra security breach! Four bodies found at the Mako Factory train station! '''BARRET: '''Did you f*** up? '''INTERCOM: '''Deploying Mako Core Security Death Laser Robot. '''CLOUD: '''I might've f***ed up, yes! ''(Cloud and Barret enter a boss fight with the Scorpion Robot) 'BARRET: '''Alright, blondie! Show me what'cha got! '''CLOUD: '''Time to cut this bucket of bolts down to size! (selects an option to "Attack" in quotes, slashes the robot with a weak clanking sound, dealing only 40 damage) '''BARRET: '(zooms in on face, sarcastically and dissapointed, as the music stops) Wow. 'CLOUD: '(music continues and zooms back out) I know, my skills are one-of-a-kind! 'BARRET: '(music stops and camera zooms again) Are they really? 'CLOUD: '''What? Not sold? (selects "Attack" again) Then check this out! (performs an ineffective Braver, doing 68 damage) '''BARRET: '''That will not work! That does not work! '''CLOUD: '''Trust me! (selects "Attack" for the third time and does another ineffective slash dealing 40 damage) I was in SOLDIER! '''BARRET: '''Right now, that fact is scarin' me! And these robots? They can literally sense fear! (The Scorpion Robot analyzes Barret) There, you see that? It knows I'm afraid! '''CLOUD: '''Okay, so, uh-um-ah, what should we do then? '''BARRET: '''TRY! SOMETHING! DIFFERENT! '''CLOUD: '''Alright! Uhm, maybe this will work! (Cloud selects "Bolt" and casts lightning onto the Scorpion Robot, dealing 94 damage, defeating it) And that is how I roll! '''BARRET: '''That! Is! How! It's! Done! ''(Transitions to EXP screen) 'CLOUD: '''Wow! Who would've thought lightning could hurt a robot? '''BARRET: '''Anyone! Everyone would think to do that! ''(Cut back to the reactor core where Cloud is setting the bomb) 'BARRET: '''Now, insert the wires. '''CLOUD: '''I know! '''BARRET: '''Make sure the charges are set! '''CLOUD: '''I know! '''BARRET: '''Now, set the timer... '''CLOUD: '''I-I don't need you micromanaging me, okay? '''BARRET: '''Oh really?! Because, after the events of today, I would have to respectfully disagree! Now, set the timer. '''CLOUD: '''I know what I'm doing! '''BARRET: '''That is an opinion you are having! Now set it to ten minutes! '''CLOUD: '''Fine! ''(The timer activates, displaying a countdown of 5 minutes) 'BARRET: '''Ohhh... '''CLOUD: '''Shit! '''BARRET: '''Do not- '''CLOUD: '''I can fix this! '''BARRET: '''Do ''not... 'CLOUD: '''I CAN FIX THIS! '''BARRET: '...touch it again! (The timer restarts, displaying a countdown of only 1 minute) 'BARRET: '(breaths in, then growls angrily at Cloud as the timer starts to tick down) (Cloud starts running through the reactor, screaming until he finds Jessie caught in the bridge) 'JESSIE: '''HELP ME! MY FOOT IS STUCK! '''CLOUD: '''I don't care if you wanna f***! We gotta go! (helps Jessie up, who proceeds to jump over him; the Mario jump sound plays) WHAT?! ''(Cloud continues to run through the reactor) 'CLOUD: '''Oh god, oh god, oh god... (enters an encounter) Ah f***! (slashes an opponent) NO TIME FOR THIS! '''BARRET: '(shoots the second enemy) RUN! (Cut to Avalanche, minus Wedge, running out the reactor) 'WEDGE: '''Hey, how'd the mission go? '''BIGGS: '''Uh, I think something went wrong! '''BARRET: '''Blondie f***ed up! '''CLOUD: '''I did NOTHING wrong! ''(Jessie falls) 'CLOUD: '''Oh my god! GET UP! ''(Jessie and Cloud run off as the reactor explodes, cut to an FMV of Midgar, showing the location of the explosion, then back to Avalanche, who burst through the door. Cloud tumbles in, Barret, Biggs, and Jessie run in, and Wedge rushes in grasping his bottom.) 'CLOUD: '''Agh, ow, ah! (tries to act serious again) Nailed it. '''BARRET: '''Hup! Everyone okay? '''BIGGS: '''Yeah. '''JESSIE: '''Yeah. '''WEDGE: '(screaming in panic) My ass! Pooping will now be a trial! 'BARRET: '''Okay, mission... complete... I guess? Ok, whatever. Now, you all know the plan. We all meet at the rendezvous port. '''AVALANCHE: '(sans Cloud) Right! 'CLOUD: '''Hey, uh... I don't know where that is? '''BARRET: '''Oh, you don't? '''CLOUD: '''Yeah, if you could fill me in on that, that'd be really hel- (Barret runs off) Uh... Oh, okay, I was ditched... (zooms in on Cloud grumbling) Goddammit, Tifa. Your friends are killing me. ''(Endcard plays) Category:Transcripts Category:Final Fantasy VII Machinabridged